The holidays are hard

The holidays: that time of year when my heart feels like it’s going through a meat grinder. All the divisions get magnified and concentrated. It’s been this way since I was a child. If I was rich, I’d take an annual cruise from mid-November until after the New Year just to escape it all, and bring any family member with me who would want to go.

Every Thanksgiving and Christmas brings up feelings of dread, without fail. The only thing I ever really wanted, I never got. All I wanted was for my family to be together. MY FAMILY. The “just get over it” rhetoric never worked for me. Maybe it should have, but it didn’t because believe me, I tried. It was, however, very effective at getting me to shut up and ignore how I really felt. That’s not healthy at all.

I am not looking forward to these holidays. They are like a magnifying glass as to how dismembered and shattered my family is and always has been. It never stops hurting and the holidays make it worse.

If this makes you feel uncomfortable, then I’d ask you to look inside yourself and think about why that may be. Is there a child of divorce in your life that you’ve been overlooking? Does a child in your life who has to give up their unified home so that you can feel comfortable? Does a child in your life have to pretend that half of themselves does not exist so that you get to have the experience of being a parent? Is there a child in your life who acts like all is well, yet after reading my blog you have reason to believe otherwise? What incentives does the child in your life have to telling the truth about how things really are? If the child in your life was honest, and if that honesty rocked the world you created for yourself, would you get angry?

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Author: everybodysdaughter

I'm an adult child of divorce, having been raised in multiple divorce/remarriage situations. I'm writing in order to shed light on the problems of divorce from the perspective of the child. I will also discuss problems with other non-triad family structures, since there is a lot of overlap. People often think that better parenting skills will overcome problems in non-triad arrangements. While I agree that parenting skills are important, they cannot overcome the problems I discuss such as fractured ontology and perpetual liminality. I converted to the Catholic faith in 2012, and will discuss Catholic things from time to time as well.

4 thoughts on “The holidays are hard”

  1. Since I have been away from the blogging world for a while, I wanted to reach out to several of the bloggers I read to wish a very Happy Thanksgiving. I read your post and now just want to send a greeting of heartfelt love. I know I have no answer to problems other than to trust God that he permits all the “crap” to bring about a greater good for his glory. I do not understand it but I believe it. I pray for your peace. God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Usually I feel as you do about the holidays. I don’t speak to my siblings and my parents are gone so that leaves my dysfunctional in laws. Thankfully a friend of mine asked us over for thanksgiving so that means no in-laws and drama this year which for the first time allows me to actually enjoy the holiday instead of stress about it. I feel like holidays can be really sad for many of us but it’s important to find something we do enjoy and try to focus on that. We can’t change our past or our families. We can only change ourselves. Give yourself time to grieve but then look for ways to take back the holidays. Is there something you do enjoy? People in your life that you want to spend more time with? Things you’d like to try or traditions you’d like to start? Maybe think about that and make new memories. It is hard when our families have ruined even the good things but it’s up to us to change that for ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand how you feel. My family has been in the process of exploding since it started .

    We have sets of kids we have the two oldest , the younger group of a few kids ,then the baby two and the five given up for adoption. Each group fights or stays away from the other. I love all my siblings in a crazy way but can’t stand to be around most of the kids. I get along better with the kids given up. Maybe it is because the ones I was raised with are as damaged as I am.

    Like two emery boards rubbing each other raw.

    I was also married for 19 years to the most selfish buzz kill on earth. He made me hate holidays. If there is a way to make me miserable he went out of his way to do it.
    I used to host the whole family mine and his and he rode me hard the days before when I started cooking we were self employed and lived in the back of the grocery store. So I loved to cook and if one of the towns kids came by and smelled food in the kitchen regardless of color they came in the kitchen to talk give me a holiday hug and get a piece of pie. I lived in a town of 281 pop. Everyone knew everyone else.

    That was my favorite time . But when they left I would get mouthed about giving away his food ,his money blah blah blah. But when someone walked in he flipped the smile back on.

    He made me so miserable he would start a fight every Thanksgiving and Christmas morning before going to his mom’s house. If he didn’t make me cry on Thanksgiving and Christmas morning he wasn’t happy. Then we get to his parents he is sunshine and happiness and I looked like I was not happy to be there. I loved his parents but if you have been talked to like a dog cried off your makeup then redid it and rode in silence the hold way you don’t want to be alive let alone celebrate.

    On Christmas he did the same. Plus he never slept past 530 am he would lay in bed made himself stay there just to make my two kids suffer so around 10 or 11 he would come in and hold court. You may now open the presents I paid for.

    I worked every hour he did. I did the shopping but had to say HE paid for everything. Then he got so bad and made them wait so long we started opening gifts on Christmas eve. We closed the business at 800pm . So he started pissing around just sitting in the store watching t.v. in there until 930 it got later every year. I absolutely hated holidays I still dread holidays, birthdays, anything and everything that used to bring me such joy . I cried so much during that marriage that I can’t hardly cry anymore .

    At the end of our marriage he had chipped away at my heart so much I had nothing left . Not even for myself. I ate my pain got up to 350 pounds.

    He told me once he could tell I didn’t love him as much as I used to. I asked him how he figured that? BECAUSE YOU DON’T CRY OVER ME ANYMORE.

    That was the straw that broke the camels back. I had gastric bypass was in the hospital 5 days he never came there except to bring me home.

    I lost weight and my kids were grown I filed for divorce. I am or was the type person that will love until you completely break my heart until it can’t heal anymore .

    I love you through all hard time , but pain and hurt is taking a piece of my heart every time it happens. Every tear . Until it is gone the day I leave I could walk over your dead body and never blink or lose my stride.

    But now I am married to a man that loves me unlike anything I have ever know in my life.

    He love my kids ,he is kind and caring , generous he is the embodiment of love. He taught me how to feel and believe that true love is alive and what love truly should be. He never puts me down he empowers me.

    I have healed so much since he was my friend then my husband and lover. He taught me what it felt like to truly make love. Not just putting up with someone’s sexual needs when you had to.

    He loved me when I was unlovable.

    I am so blessed but now I am working on not being afraid to relax and believe in it . To not wait for the other shoe to drop, for my bucket not to have a hole in it .
    I started therapy and I believe just talking and this blog is saving the rest of my life.

    I want to make new memories with my kids and grandkids and my husband . I am working on only that right now and once I feel confident here then I will work on other relationships and also make the word “NO” more readily available in my vocabulary.

    It is part of my personality to help people but to my own detriment. I drove 2 hours each way to take my brother to an appointment because he is now disabled . I can’t say no I have to help I feel like I am my siblings Mother even before mom died.

    My husband says it is because of the person I am. I am kind and that is who I am . But I don’t see that in myself. I am working on feeling good about myself so I can get something I have never had peace , love and understanding.

    I hope anyone reading this page or my letter has a wonderful love filled holidays.

    .Jordan

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand how you feel. My family has been in the process of exploding since it started .

    We have sets of kids we have the two oldest , the younger group of a few kids then the baby two and the five given up for adoption. Each group fights or stays away from the other. I love all my siblings in a crazy way but can’t stand to be around most of the kids. I get along better with the kids given up. Maybe it is because the ones I was raised with are as damaged as I am.

    Like two emery boards rubbing each other raw.

    I was also married for 19 years to the most selfish buzz kill on earth. He made me hate holidays. If there is a way to make me miserable he went out of his way. I used to host the whole family mine and his and he rode me hard the days before when I started cooking we were self employed and lived in the back of the grocery store. So I loved to cook and if one of the towns kids came by and smelled food in the kid regardless of color they came in the kitchen to talk give me a holiday hug and get a piece of pie. I lived in a town of 281 pop. Everyone knew everyone else.

    That was my favorite time . But wen they left I would get mouthed boutros giving away his food his money blah blah blah. But when someone walked in he flipped the smile back on.

    He made me so miserable he would start a fight every Christmas morning before going to his mom’s house. If he didn’t make me cry on Thanksgiving and Christmas morning he wasn’t happy. Then we get to his parents he is sunshine and happiness and I looked like I was not eating to be there. I loved his parents but if you Ave been talked to like a dog cried off your makeup then redid it and rode in silence the hold way you don’t want to be alive let alone celebrate.

    On Christmas he did the same. Plus he never slept past 530 am he would lay in bed made himself stay there just to make my two kids suffer so around 10 or 11 he would come in and hold court. You may now open the presents I paid for.

    I worked every hour he did I did the shopping but had to say HE paid for everything. Then he got so bad and made them wait so long we started opening gifts on Christmas eve. We closed the business at 800pm . So he started passing around just sitting in the store watching t.v. in there until 930 it got later every year. I absolutely hated holidays I still dread holidays, birthdays, anything and everything that used to ring me such joy . I cried so much during that marriage that I can’t hardly cry anymore .

    At the end of our marriage he had chipped away at my heart so much I had nothing left . Not even for myself. I ate my pain got up to 350 pounds.

    He told me once he could tell I didn’t love him as much as I used to. I asked him how he figured that? BECAUSE YOU DON’T CRY OVER ME ANYMORE.

    That was the straw that broke the camels back. I had gastric bypass was in the hospital 5 days he never came there except to bring me home.

    I lost weight and my kids were grown I filed for divorce. I am or was the type person that will love until you completely break my heart until it can’t heal anymore .

    I love you through all hard time , but pain and hurt is taking a piece of my heart every time it happens. Every tear . Until it is gone the day I leave I could walk over your dead body and never blink or lose my stride.

    But now I am married to a man that loves me unlike anything I have ever know in my life.

    He loved my kids ,he is kind and caring , generous he is the embodiment of love. He taught me how to feel and relieve love and what love truly should be. He never puts me down he empowers me.
    I have healed so much since he was my friend then my husband and lover. He taught me what it felt like to truly make love. Not just putting up with someone’s sexual needs when you had to.

    He loved me when I was unlovable.

    I am so blessed but now I am working on not being afraid to relax and believe in it . To not wait for the other shoe to drop, for my bucket not to have a hole in it .
    I started therapy and I believe just talking and this blog is saving the rest of my life.

    I want to make new memories with my kids and grandkids and my husband . I am working on only that right now and once I feel confident here then I will work on other relationships and also make the worst “NO” more readily available in my vocabulary.

    It is part of my personality to help people but to my own detriment. I drove 2 hours each way to take my brother to an appointment because he is now disabled . I can’t say no .

    My husband says it is because if the person I am. I am kind and that is who I am . But I don’t see that in myself. I am working on feeling good about myself so I can get something I have never had peace , love and understanding.

    I hope anyone reading this page or my letter has a wonderful love filled holidays.

    .Jordan

    Like

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