I feel ashamed

I feel ashamed that after five decades…

I wasn’t able to get over my parents’ divorce.

I still want my own family.

I was not ever OK with being excluded from family photos.

I was never OK with my parents doing fun or interesting things with their new families when I was with the other parent.

I was never OK with my parents spending more time with their new families than with me.

I never wanted to deal with step families even if they were nice to me.

I wasn’t strong enough to be totally comfortable with “two homes.”

I was uncomfortable being raised around people who I did not look like and who did not look like me.

I wasn’t OK with my parents’ defintions of family.

I wasn’t OK with my definition of family being different from my parents’.

I was never OK with having family members that each of my parents did not have.

I have not coped well with not having a singular source of my life, a singular, solid foundation of my family.

I was extraordinarily, profoundly co-dependent as a coping mechanism for all this. My children suffered because of my co-dependency.

I am a Christian and so I believe that, not only are we created in God’s image as individuals, his image appears in our first families, father, mother, child, the image of the Trinity, a community of three persons who are one. The union of that community was taken from me against my will as a very young child.  I always wanted it back and I feel ashamed to say that. The replacements did not equal one family, and I feel ashamed to say that. I am supposed to be grateful for receiving familial crumbs that fell from the table of my parents’ post-divorce choices. I was never physically or sexually abused, I was never hungry, and I attended good schools, but family life is more than a good academic education and the absence of overt harm, isn’t it?

According to the secular wisdom of the day, and even some of the religious wisdom, I should have been OK with losing the unity of that community. But I never was. I still feel fractured on the inside and this makes me feel ashamed, like there is something wrong with me.

If everybody gets a “choice,” where was mine?

holy family

Did it every occur to anybody why popular music was often so dark as sexual liberation wore on? I’ve thought about it a lot. See if this post and this song helps to explain why.


Author: everybodysdaughter

I'm an adult child of divorce, having been raised in multiple divorce/remarriage situations. I'm writing in order to shed light on the problems of divorce from the perspective of the child. I will also discuss problems with other non-triad family structures, since there is a lot of overlap. People often think that better parenting skills will overcome problems in non-triad arrangements. While I agree that parenting skills are important, they cannot overcome the problems I discuss such as fractured ontology and perpetual liminality. I converted to the Catholic faith in 2012, and will discuss Catholic things from time to time as well.

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