I feel ashamed

I feel ashamed that after five decades…

I wasn’t able to get over my parents’ divorce.

I still want my own family.

I was not ever OK with being excluded from family photos.

I was never OK with my parents doing fun or interesting things with their new families when I was with the other parent.

I was never OK with my parents spending more time with their new families than with me.

I never wanted to deal with step families even if they were nice to me.

I wasn’t strong enough to be totally comfortable with “two homes.”

I was uncomfortable being raised around people who I did not look like and who did not look like me.

I wasn’t OK with my parents’ defintions of family.

I wasn’t OK with my definition of family being different from my parents’.

I was never OK with having family members that each of my parents did not have.

I have not coped well with not having a singular source of my life, a singular, solid foundation of my family.

I was extraordinarily, profoundly co-dependent as a coping mechanism for all this. My children suffered because of my co-dependency.

I am a Christian and so I believe that, not only are we created in God’s image as individuals, his image appears in our first families, father, mother, child, the image of the Trinity, a community of three persons who are one. The union of that community was taken from me against my will as a very young child.  I always wanted it back and I feel ashamed to say that. The replacements did not equal one family, and I feel ashamed to say that. I am supposed to be grateful for receiving familial crumbs that fell from the table of my parents’ post-divorce choices. I was never physically or sexually abused, I was never hungry, and I attended good schools, but family life is more than a good academic education and the absence of overt harm, isn’t it?

According to the secular wisdom of the day, and even some of the religious wisdom, I should have been OK with losing the unity of that community. But I never was. I still feel fractured on the inside and this makes me feel ashamed, like there is something wrong with me.

If everybody gets a “choice,” where was mine?

holy family

Did it every occur to anybody why popular music was often so dark as sexual liberation wore on? I’ve thought about it a lot. See if this post and this song helps to explain why.

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Author: everybodysdaughter

I'm an adult child of divorce, having been raised in multiple divorce/remarriage situations. I originally started writing here to shed light on the problems of divorce from the perspective of the child. I gradually started writing about the Catholic faith, and the blog probably is more of that at this point. However, there is overlap between the two, since the "shape" of the family is a triangle, which is a reflection of the Holy Family and the Holy Trinity.

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