#ErasingFamily: how to avoid being erased

Yesterday I lauded the #ErasingFamily movement. I’m so happy they are calling attention to our corrupt divorce system. I also discussed how we got to the place where a movement such as #ErasingFamily even needs to exist.

Today I want to talk about how to avoid being erased from your child’s life.

The family court system is so corrupt that the best way to stay out of it is prevention.

Prevention means: avoiding a situation where it can be possible to be erased from your child’s life. How to do this?

Start by practicing Christian sexual ethics. Since even contracepted sex can make a baby, don’t engage in baby making activities (sex) until married.

Choose your spouse wisely–don’t rush. Choose somebody who you can talk to about this risk, who agrees that it is wrong. There are lots of places that discuss spouse selection so I won’t go into those details.

Then have children inside marriage, stay married, and raise your children together.

Learn how to be married, how to be a marriage partner. It is more than being a good person. Unfortunately lots of good people end up divorced. If you chose an ethical person, they won’t later drag you through the court system and try to erase you from your kid’s life.

If you’re engaging in sex outside of marriage, you are rolling the dice on your future and your potential child’s future. You are risking creating a child with somebody who won’t be a good parent or a good marriage partner. Don’t do that to yourself or your child.

If you are already facing being erased, I am not sure what to say. My ex has spent a lot of energy bad mouthing me over the years, and it continues into the present time. It definitely had an impact on my relationship with my kids, especially my son. But they are older now, and wiser. They have made their own decisions regarding his negative statements about me, and our relationships are growing again. It takes time. Be patient. Do whatever you can to stay in contact with your child, even if it’s not reciprocated. And don’t bad mouth the other parent, no matter how tempting it is. Take the high road. It will pay off. I am 100% comfortable with how I conducted myself during and after the divorce in regards to how I treated my ex and my kids relationship with him even though it cost me in more ways than one. My conscience is clear, and I recommend you do the same.

If I had known about the #ErasingFamily movement 5-6 years ago, in my pain and frustration I may have participated in it by posting a photo of myself on social media holding a sign that said #ErasedMom. However, looking back I am not sure what this would have done to my relationship with the kids. I can see how it might have made it worse at least in the short term. It is a personal decision that each person has to weigh. But if things are really bad,  I can see how it might put pressure on the guilty party to stop being a jerk. I wonder if any of the people who participated in it have improved relations with their kids. I hope they do.

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Author: everybodysdaughter

I'm an adult child of divorce, having been raised in multiple divorce/remarriage situations. I'm writing in order to shed light on the problems of divorce from the perspective of the child. I will also discuss problems with other non-triad family structures, since there is a lot of overlap. People often think that better parenting skills will overcome problems in non-triad arrangements. While I agree that parenting skills are important, they cannot overcome the problems I discuss such as fractured ontology and perpetual liminality. I converted to the Catholic faith in 2012, and will discuss Catholic things from time to time as well.

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