Why are you separating? Making distinctions when considering separation

Yesterday I wrote post where I tried to argue two things:

  • that we can’t trust lawyers to give marriage advice. They have an incentive to keep their sales funnel full of prospective families.
  • that if, in the back of your mind, you’re justifying your divorce because of abuse or violence, it better really be abusive or violent. Otherwise, you’re making a hypocritical statement when you send your children there post-divorce.

I always try to write clearly, and most of the time I think I do a good job but last night’s post was a struggle. I don’t think I made the latter argument as clearly as I could have. It was late and I was tired.

So this morning, imagine my delight when I read a post over at Mary’s Advocates where they have a section on making distinctions. As I read it, I thought, “YES! This is exactly what I was trying to say last night.” So here  it is:

Some assert that there is plenty of blame to go around when a couple splits. While that may be true, distinctions must be made between

  • offenses against marriage that are grave enough to justify temporary separation working toward reconciling;
  • offenses that justify permanent separation of spouses; and
  • offenses that do not justify separation at all and are based on misunderstanding, miscommunication, and difficulties that are to be expected in every marriage.

The former attorney who wrote the HuffPost article was not making any distinctions. She lumped abuse and violence in with other offenses. That’s why she could later indicate that having the kids live with the offending spouse would be good for them. You see the problem?  It’s extremely common among divorce apologists. Often, they do not make distinctions. This helps them make a persuasive argument that divorce is OK. I don’t know if they are vague on purpose or not. On the one hand, I’m willing to give some people the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand, somebody who is an attorney has been well trained in making clear arguments. A divorce attorney lives off a full pipeline of families to destroy, so I really distrust their “divorce is OK” articles.

Unfortunately, the law doesn’t make distinctions either. That’s why an adulterer can file for divorce, get custody, the home, spousal support and child support. All the while there is an attorney in the background facilitating this, as well as a judge, and a legislative body unwilling to make any changes to the system.

BTW, the mission of Mary’s Advocates is to strengthen marriage, to eliminate forced no-fault divorce, and to support those who have been unjustly abandoned by their spouse. Check them out. They are doing important work.


Author: everybodysdaughter

I'm an adult child of divorce, having been raised in multiple divorce/remarriage situations. I'm writing in order to shed light on the problems of divorce from the perspective of the child. I will also discuss problems with other non-triad family structures, since there is a lot of overlap. People often think that better parenting skills will overcome problems in non-triad arrangements. While I agree that parenting skills are important, they cannot overcome the problems I discuss such as fractured ontology and perpetual liminality. I converted to the Catholic faith in 2012, and will discuss Catholic things from time to time as well.

5 thoughts on “Why are you separating? Making distinctions when considering separation”

    1. Perhaps I don’t understand what you mean, because I don’t think I agree that everyone is entitled to have a life of their own. Can you explain?

      I definitely agree that one should never have to choose between a spouse and children.


      1. On reading your post it states that “that we can’t trust lawyers to give marriage advice.” but most couples have already made the decision based upon the circumstances before they contact the lawyer. Yes lawyers are all about making money but the decision has already been made before contacting a lawyer!! One hopes that it will never come to a point that you have to choose. Responsible parents don’t go down that road. Hope this clarifies.

        Liked by 1 person

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