If he’s no good for you, he’s no good for your kids

We can also say, “If she’s no good for you, she’s no good for your kids.”

Always be suspicious when divorce attorneys say divorce is OK. Divorce is very lucrative for them so they have an incentive to keep the sales funnel full of potentially broken families.

This post at at HuffPost Divorce, by a former divorce attorney, actually started out OK. She was making the very reasonable claim that people shouldn’t stay in violent or abusive marriages. She states clearly that “divorce is hard for kids,” and she also clearly states that research backs up this claim. I could quibble with some of her other characterizations, but I won’t.

Instead, I want to point out the logical inconsistency. 

You’ll see this inconsistency over and over and over again among divorce apologists. After laying the very reasonable groundwork that she laid, she then turns around and argues that after the parents separate, the kids should spend time in the offending parent’s home.

But wait. I thought one of the parents was behaving badly, so badly that the other parent, and presumably the kids, were being emotionally, mentally, or physically harmed. Why should the kids go there, especially without their other parent? Answer: they shouldn’t!

Yet, this logical inconsistently appears over and over and over in divorce apologetics. And why might this be? I think it belies something. I think they raise the specter of abuse and violence in order to provide cover for more lax views of divorce. Articles like the one above, when written by divorce attorneys, sound like this to me:

“Your situation feels so bad to you, that I’ll compare it to a truly abusive and violent situation to ease your conscience about moving forward with a divorce. Then I’ll make post-separation suggestions which clearly show that I never believed your situation was remotely abusive or violent. Keep in mind that I work in a profession that requires a steady pipeline of divorce clients, and your divorce will bring in anywhere between $15K-$30K split between the two attorneys. We have our mortgages and car payments to make, after all.”

Abuse and violence are straw men in the realm of divorce apologetics, because nobody thinks couples should stay together when one person is abusive or violent. If you initiated the divorce and are planning to send your kids to your ex’s house regularly after the divorce, then don’t pretend your divorce was for abuse or violence. Don’t even hint that there is anything wrong with your ex. Because if you do, the logic suggests that you are willing to send your children into a terrible situation alone.








Author: everybodysdaughter

I'm an adult child of divorce, having been raised in multiple divorce/remarriage situations. I'm writing in order to shed light on the problems of divorce from the perspective of the child. I will also discuss problems with other non-triad family structures, since there is a lot of overlap. People often think that better parenting skills will overcome problems in non-triad arrangements. While I agree that parenting skills are important, they cannot overcome the problems I discuss such as fractured ontology and perpetual liminality. I converted to the Catholic faith in 2012, and will discuss Catholic things from time to time as well.

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